The thing about writing a website called “The Unlost” is that people expect you to help them get unlost, as if you’ve got these wise, profound answers perpetually on the tip of your tongue. They expect you to be some sage-like person who will magically point them in the right direction.

In reality, though, sometimes you’re just as lost as the rest of ‘em. In reality, sometimes you wake up to find yourself in a strange land far from home, having left your job, 95% of your belongs, and your sweet dogchildren behind, asking questions like

“What in the hell am I doing here?”

When you know that going back won’t solve a single one of your problems and yet you have no idea how to move forward, when you’ve left home because you’ve found yourself, only to lose yourself once again, what do you do, and what answers can you possibly have to offer others?

This is the position in which I may or may not have found myself lately (this could totally be a hypothetical situation, so just play along with me here, mmkay?).

. . .

“What would Wise Therese say?” I asked myself as I stared blankly at my computer screen.

Wise Therese didn’t respond. It seems she’d run away somewhere, most likely to a tropical beach where she was sipping margaritas with a beaming smile spread across her face, blissfully speaking words of wisdom to the masses.

(God, I hate that bitch.)

And so with Wise Therese MIA, Little Therese was left to fend for herself. She thought and thought and thought, but no matter how she tried, Little Therese had no solutions to offer.

& So logically, she found herself headed to Starbucks for one of those new Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino things (chocolate whipped cream YUM!).

Little Therese began to think of the times she’d found her way out of difficulty in the past– about how she’d found her way out of heartache after a breakup or happiness after despair or clarity after confusion. She thought about how she’d gone from an insecure, unformed, approval-seeking girl to a woman of strength, confidence, clarity & grace.

“How did I do that?” she asked.

And she realized that she didn’t really know how it had happened. It wasn’t as if there was one magical moment in which she’d gone from confusion to clarity, from despair to contentment, from brokenness to wholeness.

Instead, after days or months or years that seemed like decades of questioning and suffering and seeking, she’d simply woken up one day and realized that things had shifted without her even noticing. It was as if something much subtler, something just outside her conscious perception, had been at work all along– as if roots had been growing deeply and imperceptibly beneath the earth, until one day a bud finally surfaced.

She’d woken up months after a breakup and realized, ”Woah. I think I’m actually… happy on my own.”

She’d woken up years into a struggle with rheumatoid arthritis and realized, “I am at peace.”

And after years of wondering what she was passionate about, she woke up to find herself writing this blog.

There was no one big shift, no one “aha” moment. Over time, without consciously realizing it, she found that the puzzle pieces had s l o w l y fallen into place. Over time, she had somehow lived her way into the answers.

And as Little Therese thought about this, she began to write.

A few hours later, she looked up from her laptop and this post had been written.

And by the time she’d packed her things up and left Starbucks, flip-flopping her way through the parking lot, it seemed as though Little Therese was no longer lost at sea. She felt the warmth of the California sun against her cheek and heard the soft chatter of birds in the air. A gentle smile rested softly on her face.

On the surface, nothing had changed– she was still far from home and from her dogchildren, still unsure about her next step and of the future that lay ahead. Her bank account hadn’t been magically filled, nor had Brad Pitt’s twin showed up on her doorstep.

And yet somehow she’d come into peace. Somehow things had shifted– she’d lived her way back into the moment that is.

And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Somehow,

some

day,

some

way,

so it happens for us all.

We are like sailboats on the sea– we can try and try to get somewhere, but no matter how hard we try or think or struggle, we cannot move the sailboat on our own.

Thankfully, though, we don’t have to, because there is a soft and gentle breeze already blowing– so soft, in fact, that we hardly notice we’re moving at all.

Slowly, subtly, imperceptibly, we are already living our way into the answers, into the moment, into beauty and joy and truth– until one day we wake up and we find ourselves staring out across the vast blue sea, amazed at the distance we’ve come.

Gradually, gradually, gradually, we live our way into the answers– we sail our way into peace and joy, contentment and clarity.

If Little Therese could tell you how to do this, she would– but the truth is, she can’t.

Life is funny like that. Some things, it seems, are better left to Mystery.

# # #

[Image by Shandi-Lee]

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Apparently, we’ve all got these things called “feelings” or whatever. (Well, except for my ex. HA JUST KIDDING!)

You can’t see them, and who the hell knows what they really are, but they’re there anyways.

Now in my past life, I thought I knew how to handle these so-called “feelings.” Without a thought, I’d just stuff my face with some Ben & Jerry’s. Or go out and get hammered and call up an ex. Or, you know, go on a completely unnecessary shopping spree. THAT SHIT ALWAYS WORKS!

That is, until I’d wake up the next day and realize that not only was I hungover and feeling like a fatso, but I also just wasted, like, an entire weekend of my life. And also, $236. And I’ve got nothing to show for it except… well, emptiness of the soul.

FARK.

I GUESS IT DIDN’T WORK SO WELL AFTER ALL.

Feelings. I spent at least 22 years running from them– distracting myself with food and mindless television, with guys and with shopping and with booze, before I discovered the secret of all secrets, the BIG FAT THING that had been hidden in plain sight my entire life.

THE SECRET OF ALL SECRETS

In 2006, I sat in the back of a classroom at Gonzaga University, expecting to hear another lecture full of regurgitated textbook information.

Instead, I discovered the secret of life.

I could write for three lifetimes and still not be able to explain what I learned from Dr. Kent Hoffman that semester, but I’ll try for  something simpler. Suffice to say, these ideas come from both attachment theory and object relations theory– made more user friendly and accessible by years of whittling complexity into the simplest possible form.

Today I’ll explain them within the context of a parent-child scenario from John Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

A parent-child scenario? You may be asking.

Yep. Sure, we’re talking about understanding our own emotion coping strategies, but we can’t possibly come to understand ourselves in isolation. As infants, we learn to regulate our emotions based on the strategies we experienced in relationship with our caregivers.

Thus, I present to you “The Checked Zebra Incident”:

[My daughter Moriah] was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, her favourite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the baggage counter.

“I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t get Zebra right now. He’s in the big suitcase in another part of the plane,” I explained.

“I want Zebra,” she whined pitifully.

“I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn’t here. He’s in the baggage compartment underneath the plane and Daddy can’t get him until we get off the plane. I’m sorry.”

“I want Zebra! I want Zebra!” she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where she’d seen me go for snacks.

“I know you want Zebra,” I said, feeling my blood pressure rise.

“But he’s not in that bag. He’s not here and I can’t do anything about it.”

Take a moment to imagine this scenario and ask yourself the following questions:

• How would have your parent(s) responded to this situation when you were a child?
• How would you respond to this situation today if you were (or if you are) a parent?
• Finally, how do you typically respond when a similar feeling comes up within yourself? What are the strategies you use to cope with your own feelings?

Within the context of “The Checked Zebra Incident,” here are the three ways that most of us learn to deal with those weird things called “feelings.”

The Distraction Response: “You’re OK, you’re OK, you’re OK.”

The “distraction response” is everywhere in our society. It’s easy! Just pretend your feelings don’t exist! When the child becomes upset about Zebra, the parent’s response might be something like this:

“You’re OK. You’re fine.”

“It’s just a stuffed animal.”

“Smile big!”

“Look at that airplane out the window!”

“Look what I have for you– ice cream!!”

It’s quite simple, really: if you don’t know how to deal with your feelings, just distract yourself from them. Dismiss them and push them away. Put on your big boy pants and plaster a smile on your face, regardless of how you feel inside. Your feelings don’t exist and aren’t valid.

As an adult, the child who grew up with the distraction response will come to under rely on others and over rely on himself, downplaying the significance of (or presence of) emotions.

The Emergency Response: “OMG OMG OMG!”

The “emergency response” occurs when a caregiver doesn’t know how to deal with the child’s feelings, so she freaks out. She rushes in to fix them immediately. Anxiety. Fear. PANIC.

“OMG SHE’S GONNA CRY, BERNARD!” And the mother rushes in and reacts out of panic.

“I’ll get you another stuffed animal right now, sweetie! STOP THE AIRPLANE!!! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD OMG FEELINGS!! Here honey, have some ICE CREAM!! DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW OMG OMG OMG!”

Anything, everything, quick quick quick, FIX THE PROBLEM MAKE HER HAPPY– ANYTHING TO STOP THE FEELINGS!!!

This child will likely feel the same sense of anxiety and overwhelm as an adult. She’ll be easily overwhelmed by emotion, swallowed up in it, preoccupied by it.

She’ll do anything and everything within her control to FIX these feelings (even if the fix isn’t ultimately in her best interest), for FIXING is the answer and she cannot rest until the emotions subside and resolution occurs. She’ll come to over rely on others for fixing and/or will want others to over rely on her. She’ll have trouble dealing with things on her own.

The Resonant Response: “It’s OK, little one– I’m here with you.”

Strangely, there’s also a third kind of response (quoted from John Gottman’s book):

“I want him Zebra. I want him now!’

By now, I was getting “do something” looks from the passengers, from the airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriah’s face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasn’t I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favourite toy from her? Didn’t I understand how much she wanted it?

I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn’t get Zebra, but I could offer the next best thing—a father’s comfort.

“You wish you had Zebra now,” I said to her.

“Yeah,” she said sadly.

“And you’re angry because we can’t get him for you.”

“Yeah.”

“You wish you had Zebra right now,” I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather curious, almost surprised.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “I want him now,”

“You’re tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we could just lie down.”

“Yeah,” she agreed.

“We can’t get Zebra because he’s in another part of the airplane,” I said “That makes you feel frustrated.”

“Yeah,” she said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” I said, watching the tension leave from her face. She rested her head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.

Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted—her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasn’t possible, she wasn’t interested in my excuses, arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel better.

Keep in mind that this involves more than offering simple words; it’s a mirroring of the child’s feeling state– a “being with,” an emotional “holding.”

Dr. Hoffman explained it simply– based on years of scientific research and studies, it all boils down to simple explanations that he quoted on our class slides:

“You get what I’m feeling and I know it.”

“Having someone here with me in this bad feeling allows me a way out of feeling bad.”

“Please let me know you get what I’m feeling and that you will wait here with me until things change.”

It’s that simple, guys.

Someone gets me.

I am not alone in this feeling after all.

There is someone here with me– someone bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, to help me make sense of this feeling, to stay here with me until the feeling resides.

Not if it resides, but when.

Not “You’re OK; smile big,” but

“It’s OK, little one, I am here with you.”

HOLY CRAP,

I realized halfway through class– this is what I’ve been missing all along.

This is all I’ve ever wanted; it’s all I’ve ever needed.

And it’s really, ridiculously, insanely simple:

We don’t need ice cream.

We don’t need to be talked out of our feelings, to distract ourselves from them.

We don’t need Zebra.

We don’t need to squelch our feelings with immediate fixing.

The absence of sadness– that’s not truly what we’re after.

All we need is something so much simpler: resonance. We need to know that we are not alone in our pain, that someone actually gets us. The experience of being experienced. The feeling of being known.

Simple holding, deep resonance– a staying with, a being with, a deep safety, a deep trust, that perhaps we’ve never known before.

I want to know 
if you can sit with pain, 
mine or your own, 
without moving to hide it 
or fade it 
or fix it.

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

And I came to realize that maybe, just maybe, with the help of some larger grace, I could offer this gift to myself.

A favorite author of mine, Pema Chodron, paints a picture of “a mother bird who protects and cares for her young until they are strong enough to fly away”:

People sometimes ask, “Who am I in this image — the mother or the chick?” The answer is we’re both: both the loving mother and those ugly little chicks. We are a poignant mixture of something that isn’t all that beautiful and yet is dearly loved. Whether this is our attitude toward ourselves or toward others, it is the key to learning how to love. We stay with ourselves and with others when we’re screaming for food and have no feathers and also when we are more grown up and more appealing by worldly standards.

- Pema Chodron, Comfortable With Uncertainty

I opened myself up to a larger grace, and I began to learn that maybe I could be both the mother and the chick. Maybe I could hold this pain– compassionately, tenderly, lovingly.  I could make space for it. I could let it be. Instead of repressing or indulging, I could simply sit with this pain and hold it with compassion.

And so day in and day out, this has become my practice, the work of my life.

By staying right here in the midst of my feelings, by offering no solution, I find the solution. By avoiding escape, I find freedom. I’ve found my way out by  finally finding my way in.

# # #

John Gottman’s book (highly, HIGHLY recommended):

Pema Chodron’s book (you’ll like it if you’re open to Buddhist-like principles and words like “Boddhichitta” ;-) ):

Related posts:

The Time Tested, Tried and True, Totally Weird Way to Deal With Sucky Feelings

One Weird Way to Escape Heartbreak, Loneliness, or any Dreaded Feeling

The “You” Nobody Knows: Lost, Scared, Alone Forever?

[Image by Abdulmajeed Al.mutawee]

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On the night of my junior prom, I  rode in a limo with the hottest, most popular guy at school dragged my dateless ass to the movie theater with a girlfriend.

Luckily for me, that movie was Zoolander, so my night ended up being waaay better than going to prom with some douche, anyhow.

I mean, best movie of the decade, because Derek Zoolander is pretty much as awesome as it gets. Not only is he an amazing eugooglizer, but he ends up marrying Matilda, becoming a loving father to Derek Junior, and founding ”The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.”

Awesome.

Today, I present to you an article you probably never thought you’d see: What Derek Zoolander, male model, can teach you about finding yourself.

LOSE YOURSELF TO FIND YOURSELF

Believe it or not, Derek Zoolander did not find his way into awesomeness overnight. He didn’t just shoot out of bed one day and morph into Awesome Derek in all his gloriousness.

No. Way.

Before Derek found his way, he had to first undergo an intense and sucky period of questioning.

“Who am I?” he lamented in a mud puddle after losing the “Male Model of the Year” award to stupid Hansel.

He left home to search for his roots, venturing deep into the coal mines and catching the black lung.

He was disowned by his father and brothers for being a merman.

His dear friends died in a freak gasoline fight accident.

He didn’t know how to turn left.

And to top it all off, he was the target of Mugatu’s plan to assassinate the Prime Minister of Micronesia (and you thought YOU had it bad!).

So what’s the point?

If we want to become who we truly are, we, too must go through this period of losing ourselves, of feeling utterly and completely lost and confused, of having all of the questions and none of the answers.

In order to find ourselves, we must first lose ourselves.

The forgetting is a part of the remembering.

The difficulty is a part of the process.

Did you catch that?

The difficulty is a necessary part of the process.

Which is why, if you’re feeling lost and confused right now, I’m actually going to CONGRATULATE you.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You, my friend, are right on track.

Not knowing who you are– asking questions– feeling lost– like it or not, these are the perfect signs that you’re well on your way.

“The great loneliness– like the loneliness a caterpillar endures when she wraps herself in a silky shroud and begins the long transformation from chrysalis to butterfly. It seems we too must go through such a time, when life as we know it is over– when being a caterpillar feels somehow false and yet we don’t know who we are supposed to become. All we know is that something bigger is calling us to change. And though we must make the journey alone, and even if suffering is our only companion, soon enough we will become a butterfly, and soon enough we will taste the rapture of being alive.”

- Elizabeth Lesser

NO ONE SAID IT’D BE EASY

Following the easy path, the default path—living up to someone else’s standards—that’s what’s easy.

Failing to ask the hard questions—failing to take a good, hard look at your reflection in the mud puddle and ask, “Who am I?”—that’s what’s easy.

For me, it was easy to stay in my cubicle and in my normal little life. It was easy to hide behind my mask, to shrink and hide from the world instead of opening. It was easy for me not to write this blog.

This is precisely why most people stay in the “easy zone.”

Easy schmeezy. 

You & I— WE AREN’T MOST PEOPLE. We are restless. We aren’t satisfied with the default life. Like Derek, we know there’s so much more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking, and we’re hell bent on (re)discovering, and on living, that depth.

No one ever said it would be easy— they only said it would be worth it.

It is a strange gift, this birthright gift of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else.

- Parker Palmer

Worth it.

Worth it. 

W O R T H .

I T .

So have faith. Have patience.

Know that feeling lost is a part of the process, and that it often takes time. In fact, I’m convinced that we never fully arrive, and that’s OK.

Patience. Patience. Patience, my dear friend.

Patience is the companion of wisdom.

- St. Augustine

You may feel lost in the questions, but you are much, much, MUCH further along than you give yourself credit for.

The suckiness, the questions– whether you know it or not, they’re leading you home as we speak.

Soon enough, you’ll discover the Magnum that’s been resting within you all along.

# # #

[Photo by nickb_rock]

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Wanna know how to get any guy (or girl), guaranteed?

Easy, you’ve just gotta be SUPER hotttttt. Or rich. Or famous or charming or blah-blah-blah.

Right??

Wrong.

WRONG.

W R O N G ! ! !

By the time you finish reading this article today, you’ll be at least 10x smarter. This is because you’ll know two very important things:

1. Seeking approval from others is like riding a rollercoaster of pure suckiness.
2. There is a better way to find love…

So lets get started, awesomeness!

THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE OF LIFE

Most of us live our entire lives in pursuit of external validation, in pursuit of someone else’s standard, someone else’s stamp of approval.

“Am I good enough?” we wonder, and so we search around us for others to give us that answer.

The only problem?

In doing so, we give others the power to define us. We become trapped on a never-ending treadmill, a vicarious rollercoaster of doom! (Yes, I said doom!)

It doesn’t matter if you’re at the bottom or the top at any given moment– riding this rollercoaster ain’t no fun.

THE BOTTOM OF THE ROLLERCOASTER

Sometimes we’re at the bottom of the rollercoaster, and being at the bottom of the rollercoaster sucks.

We’re getting rejected. Again. And again. And again.

We’re getting ignored.

Maybe we’re getting mistreated.

Whatever the case may be, being at the bottom of the rollercoaster makes us feel like worthless crap.

“I am not good enough.”

“I am not valuable. I am not worthy of love.”

“I fall short.”

When we’re at the bottom, we believe that the solution is– well, duh, to be at the top. We want to become hotter or “cooler” or richer or funnier or smarter or [blah blah blah].

I mean, that is the answer, right?

Let’s investigate.

THE TOP OF THE ROLLERCOASTER

If we’re “lucky,” we sometimes find ourselves at the top of the rollercoaster.

I LOOK LIKE A SUPERMODEL!

I IS IN A MUSIC VIDEO!

I WON AN AWARD!

GUYS WANT ME AND GIRLS WANT TO BE ME!

For awhile, this feels pretty damn good.

The only problem?

It’s a double-edged sword– while the validation feels good, it’s still coming from outside of ourselves; our inflated sense of self could crumble and fall at any given moment.

If we believe that this external validation is what defines us, then we’re left scrambling to stay on top, never resting, always having to prove ourselves:

“I am only worthy of your love if I live up to this ideal, if I put on this front.”

“Beneath the surface, beneath this front, the real me is not lovable.”

“Who I am, just as I am, is not enough.”

“I am only valuable as long as I have [my body, my status, my money, fill-in-the-blank].”

In short, the top of the rollercoaster is painful, too– to feel as if you must constantly prove yourself, to live up to an ideal, in order to earn a love that is false. To never be able to rest, to continuously be at the mercy of your environment.

Is there another answer, a solution to this vicarious rollercoaster of life?

I believe that there is.

THE ALTERNATIVE

There is an alternative: an intrinsic security that comes from within. A security, a worthiness, a love, that is independent of external influences. A security that does not fluctuate– a love that is constant.

What must you do to get this security, to earn it, to deserve it?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

You already have it.

You have already earned it, simply by being.

You– just as you are, just who you are– you are more than enough.

Hard to believe?

Maybe–

that is, until it’s not.

Until it becomes something that you don’t have to try to believe, and it simply becomes something that is– just as the sky is blue and the grass is green, you are.

You just are, and that’s just the way it is.

Until you just know it deep down, with each and every breath in and every breath out:

“I am good enough.

I am worthy.

I am.

Simply… because.

For no other reason than because 

I am.”

And if you can’t believe it for yourself,

then believe it because I said so.

Take my word for it.

“[Insert your name here], you are amaze-freaking-balls– just as you are.”

YEP, I said it!

If you can’t believe it for yourself, maybe you should write it on your forehead and shout it out loud every time you see yourself in the mirror.

A-m-a-z-e-b-a-l-l-s.

YAYUHH!!!

Beyond external validation

or lack of external validation,

Beyond this

or beyond that

You

are

You,

loved beyond measure,

worthy from the inside out,

exactly,

exactly,

exactly

as you are.

And once you come to know this, other people will begin to notice the beauty

r a d i a t i n g

from your soul and

awesome people will

start drawing to you like a magnet.

“There’s just something about that girl (dude)!”

they’ll say.

And it’ll be true.

& it always has been true–

you just didn’t know it till

n  o  w  .

<3 <3 <3

Love,

Therese

Oh, and p.s. I lied.

This is NOT guaranteed to get you any guy or girl.

For example, this won’t get you the following:

• d-bags
• gold diggers
• disrespectful a-holes

or

• anyone who won’t give you the time of day and cannot see how AWESOME you are

Why? Because when you know your own amazingness, you refuse to put up with that crap!

HALLELUJAH!

# # #

[Image by o5com]

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What if the answers–

What if the answers are overrated?

* * *

I peer over my dashboard at the vast landscape in front of me.

“What am I doing here?”

I’ve left my job.

I’ve left my home.

I’ve left the life I once knew–

for what?

Yesterday it was all clear.

Yesterday it all

made

sense.

Today I am lost, drifting aimlessly in a sea of confusion.

“Who am I?”

“Where am I?”

“What am I doing here?”

Nothing–

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I feel

like

driftwood,

as if I’ve gone upstairs for something important,

and the second I get there I find that

I’ve completely forgetten what I set out to do.

Panic.

Fear.

Chaos.

Crazybrain.

“How do I get out?”

I think.

And I think.

And I

t

h

i

n

k

.

And the more I think, the more I spiral into

despair.

And the more I grasp for the answers,

the further I

f

a

l

l

.

* * *

What if the only answer we need–

isn’t an answer at all?

* * *

And suddenly I find myself singing,

humming,

smiling softly.

“When I find myself in times of trouble,

Mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom,

let it be…

And in my hour of darkness

she is

standing right in front of me,

speaking words of wisdom,

let it be…

Let it be, let it be,

Let it be,

Let it be…

There will be an answer,

Let it be…”

And it just

feels

right.

“Let it be,”

I say.

“Let it be.”

But still my brain

thrashes.

It searches.

It struggles.

“But

How?”

“How do I let it be?”

Panic.

Fear.

Chaos.

Crazybrain.

And I find myself laughing,

smiling–

kindly,

gently,

wisely,

at

My

Self.

“Oh, Little One–

Oh, Sweet Honey Child–

Let that question be, too.”

And in this moment,

somehow this nonsense

makes

perfect

sense.

* * *

Could it be?

Could there be an Answerless Answer?

A Struggleless Struggle?

When you don’t know how to let it be,

when you can’t let it be,

can you let that be?

When there’s no resting place in sight,

can

you

rest?

When there’s no breathing room,

can

you

just

breathe?

When nothing within you can trust,

can

you

just

trust?

When there are no answers,

could the answer be

just to let that question be?

# # #

Curious about my travels? I’ve posted an unofficial schedule here.

[Image by Salim Photography]

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“I’ve got to figure it out,” I lamented to myself in between sips of my delicious vanilla bean latte.

“What’s wroooong with me? Why don’t I know what I want to do with my life? And who the HELL are all are these superfreaks who seem to have it all planned out?”

It was the spring of 2006 and I was a college grad without a clue.

At the time, this uncertainty made me want to vomit with anxiety. In the years since, though, I’ve come to discover something insanely interesting and helpful, something that I wish I would’ve known back then:

Career planning may be a terrible, horrible, sucky idea.

Here’s what I mean.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW THE ENDPOINT

Guys, our logical brains want to have everything planned out. Our crazybrains think that if we only do enough analysis, we can think our way into the answers, into the “perfect” job or career.

Even worse, our crazybrains think that if we can’t think our way into the answer, we’re screwed.

Thing is, this just isn’t true.

In the years after graduation, I began talking with lots of people. I sought out people who were insanely fulfilled with their life paths and who were super happy OMG!,  and I began asking them simple questions– questions like “How did you find your path? How did you know that this was what you were “supposed” to do?”

And I found that almost all of them had a really strange answer:

“I didn’t. I didn’t know.”

HUH?

At first I was like, “This must be a fluke,” but over time it was proven time and time again: Many of the happiest, most awesome people I knew didn’t start off with a grand plan. 

Most of them didn’t start off with a clear vision of what the endpoint would be, and yet they ended up doing insanely fulfilling, passion-igniting, made-for-them things.

They disproved– no, CRUSHED the myth that in order to “find your path,” you’ve got to figure everything out right away and have a clear vision of what the endpoint will be.

THE MYTH OF THE GREAT IDEA

While driving from my hometown of Boise, Idaho to Seattle on Wednesday, I listened to lots of gangsta rap an audiobook of Jim Collins’ and Jerry Porras’ Built to Last (for the seven-millionth time). The book is based on a six-year research project designed to determine what separates enduring great companies from similar companies that failed to become great (read more here).

During the course of their research, the authors found something that really surprised them, which they dubbed “The Myth of the Great Idea”:

Few of the visionary companies began life with a great idea. In fact, some began life without any specific idea and a few even began with outright failures.

- Jim Collins and Jerry Porras, authors of Built to Last

The authors tell the story of Bill Hewitt and Dave Packard, the founders of HP, forming a company in their garage without any clear product idea. In their early years, they produced products which varied from automatic urinal flushers to bowling foul-line indicators to fat-reducing shock machines.

Masaru Ibuka, the founder of Sony, started off with a rice cooker that failed in the marketplace.

J. Willard Marriott, founder of Marriott Corporation, began his business by opening an A&W Root Beer stand– he just didn’t know what else to do at the time.

In fact, almost none of the great companies in the research study began life with a great idea or a grand vision of the product they’d create. All they knew was that they wanted to build a great company.

BAM!

Guys, the evolution of a great personal path isn’t a whole lot different than that of a great company (Nerd alert! Nerd alert!).

It’s not our job to figure it all out right now. It’s not our job to come up with “The Great Idea.”

We don’t have to know exactly where we’re going– we don’t have to begin with a “great idea” or a “grand plan” in order to build a great life. In fact, our paths might even start off  with outright failures, and that’s ok– as long as we get a couple of other things right.

Yep, that’s right– it’s imperative that we get a couple of other things right.

After all, starting off in the weeds in no way guarantees that we’ll end up somewhere awesome.

If we don’t start off with a good foundation, we could just end up– well, in the weeds. We might never find our way out.

Or maybe our paths will evolve, but in a less than ideal direction, like toward the murky creek water where we could get stuck in the mud or even drown.

So how do we pick the “right” place to start?

How do we minimize our chances of getting stuck in a less than ideal path?

And how do we “live our way into the answers” and allow our unclear paths to evolve toward greatness without having a total panic attack every day of the week?

It turns out that there are very specific, very simple ways to do this– ways to set things up so that our unclear paths have the best chance of evolving into greatness and clarity rather than spiraling into shittiness.

Starting in May, I’m unveiling a project that’s been in the works for quite some time: The Free Guide to Saving Your Soul From Shoulditis.

FORGET THE “SHOULDS” AND DISCOVER YOUR PATH

Forget the “shoulds;” I’ll show you how to find your own personal path and how to live your way into the answers, even if you have no clue where to start.

It’s not just an e-book; it’s an ongoing, piece-by-piece guide that will help you create a roadmap for your life. Best of all, it’s free.

Sign up for The Monday Club in the box below (yep, the one with the dude in funny white glasses) to receive weekly updates from The Unlost and to get first dibs on the free guide in May.

You can also join me on Twitter here, hang out with me on Facebook here, or follow my RSS feed here to stay up-to-date on the latest.

[For those of you who've been following me ever since the initial announcement of this guide: YOU GET A LOLLIPOP. It's been a long ride and I apologize for the wait; thank you for your patience. Now that I'm out of the cube, I finally have time to do it right.]

Also, my story ran last week on Amber Rae’s awesome and inspiring site, revolution.is. Check it out here: “Dance With What Brings You to Life.”

PEACE!

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[Image by dhammza]

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Believe it or not, there’s at least one thing I love more than deliciously chocolatey layers of cake:

You guys.

I mean, until the day I left my job last week, do you know what my cubicle walls looked like?

A jumblef**k of inspirational quotes and fiscal calendars and oh, you know, just emails from you.

Yeah, like I printed them out and STUCK THEM ON MY WALL.

This may sound weird, but you guys hold me together. Seriously. Time and time again, when I doubt and when I fall, when I wonder whether all the time and effort and sacrifice I put into this blog-thing is even worth it, when I question whether I can even make a difference or if I’m just fooling myself & all I wanna do is curl up under my covers and never come out again, I get an email like this:

Therese,

I just really, really feel the need to let you know how incredibly much your blog posts have meant to me.  Every time I’m feeling horribly alone, and feeling scared shitless about my life and the Unknown, and tears are streaming down my face and I’m trying to figure out what exactly my purpose on this earth is, and wondering why it feels like I’m the only one in the world who feels any of these things, I go on your website, and am  instantly reminded that I am NOT crazy, and life is beautiful and wonderful exactly because there are people like you and everyone else who reads your site who are asking the exact same questions (WOW, holy sentence!)

Or this:

Therese,

Lady, you’ve just unknowingly changed my life. I sort of what to punch you right now. Seriously. (but then I’d probably hug you and give you a big high five)… You really majorly stuck a pin in my behind to move forward with a huge project, actually a life endeavor, I’ve been thinking about for years but putting off because of fear and other mumbo jumbo like having an insanely consuming job…

…I read your posts and thought about how motivated you are and how if you knew about my life and how I have this calling, you’d smack me in the face and tell me that 20 years from now, I’m going to be 49 and if I don’t do this, probably a miserable, sad cat lady full of regrets.

I swear, Therese, if one kid ever tells me that I helped him/her, that’ll be infinitely more rewarding than 40 years of success in corporate PR and marketing. And to think I almost gave up. Like all of the lost do. And to think you almost just stayed in accounting the rest of your life.

Or this.

Therese,

Have I told you your updates are the best part of my week?  I look forward to them and check my inbox fifty times like the hyper ADD kid I am, every single week.  Your posts (and yourself) are really really inspiring.

When I have a freakout sesh anxiety attack about quitting my job and leaving just-about-everything-I’ve-known behind to go on some crazy and inexplicable cross-country roadtrip, when anxiety is pumping through my veins and I’m paralyzed with fear and OMG who’s the girl that made this decision and then left me here all alone, you guys blow up my Facebook and bring me from crazy to sane (and both-all-at-the-same-time) in a matter of minutes.

Crap, you guys.

You guys– you guys inspire me.

You make me cry (but in a good way).

You remind me of who I am and of who I want to be. You help me remember why I’m here. To be completely freaking honest, I don’t know where I’d be without you.

To say that you’re sort of awesome would be an understatement– it’d be like saying that Ryan Reynolds is sort-of-kind-of hot, you know, just a little bit.

HA!

But seriously, you guys are more than just a little great. You guys are AMAZE-BALLS. I feel indebted beyond words, insanely grateful for this community of support. What did I do to deserve this?

And I don’t really know how to thank you for what you’ve given me. Like, I kind of want to become best friends with all of you because really, you’re so awesome.

You know what else is awesome? This week marks the one-year anniversary of The Unlost.

That’s right, dudes & dudettes, on April 4, 2011, I hit the “publish” button on this baby for the very first time.

And on April 4, 2012 (in two short days, holy crapoly!), on the glorious one year blogversary of The Unlost, I’ll take off for the great unknown.

A lot of you have been asking what my plans are. Where am I going and what am I doing and why, exactly, am I leaving my job and my hometown to travel around the country?

Well, let’s start with the why.

The thing is, I can hardly explain it myself.

When friends or (ex) coworkers or strangers ask me why I’m doing it, the only thoroughly true, down-deep-to-the-bones answer I can muster is, “Because I can’t not. Because no matter how crazy or how vague or how unfounded it may sound, I just have to. Because somehow, for some inexplicable, indescribable reason, I don’t have a freaking choice.”

And I feel crazy just letting those words escape my mouth, because what the hell does that even mean?

All I can say is that I feel like I’m meant to build some sort of a thing that I can’t yet quite define, and that somehow, for some reason, living my deepest truth involves leaving my old life behind and wandering deep into the unknown. I’m not planning on traveling around for awhile and then coming back home just to pick back up on normal life again. No– I have the feeling that everything is about to change, & I’m leaving my future completely open to possibility.

So, how long will I be gone?

I dunno.

When will I come home?

Maybe the question’s if, not when. (Then again, maybe it’s not.)

What will I be doing six months from now? A year from now?

No freaking clue.

Which I’ll admit sounds totally batshit insane, but I’ve got to follow my own advice here: even if you can’t always define the endpoint, sometimes you just have to start where you’re at, trust your heart, and allow your path to evolve and clarify over time.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

For those of you who are curious about my travels, you can check out my unofficial schedule here.

THANK YOU GUYS for your support and for being who you are.

Whenever you need a pick-me-up, know that it’s not just me who’s here for you, it’s all of us. We’re all a part of this shared community, of this thing that’s so much bigger than any one of us on our own.

We’re all here to change the world in our own unique ways.

We’re all here to create a revolution of Real.

We are The Unlost, and we’re finding our way. ♥ ♥

# # #

p.s. My friend Alejandro published a really fun interview with me a couple weeks back. Ever wondered what type of owner I’d want to have if I were a cat?!! Check it out here.

p.p.s. You might also take a peek at this (long overdue) video clip of my interview with Josh Lipovetsky from Optimistic Wellness. Check it on out here!

[Image by Christopher Verdier]

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Are you tired of being unhappy? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night, drowning your sorrows in pitchers of PBR by day? Do you wish you could only know… WHEN you will FINALLY be happy?

Fear no more: based on years of research from world renowned happiness scientists and Haagen Dazs ice cream engineers, a life changing happiness quiz has been developed. FINALLY, you can discover the secret that sickeningly happy people have known for years!!

The Unlost Happiness Quiz

With 98.7% accuracy, it will tell you the exact date and time that you will FINALLY become happy for good—and what you will need in order to get there.

“I feel like I’ve finally found the answers that I’ve been looking for my whole goddang life—and I found them through one simple quiz! It told me straight out what I need to do to be happy, and when it will happen. If you want to be 98.7% certain about life, you’d better take the Unlost Happiness Quiz.”

-Bill F. (Image by Carbon NYC)

“I told my friend that there was no way I would take a stupid quiz like this. But she told me that I HAVE to do it. ‘What do you have to lose?” she said. ‘It will only take 3 minutes of your time.’ I figured, heck, why not just see what happens. So I took the quiz, and I’ll be hell-bent, it changed my life. It’s such a relief to know when I’ll FINALLY be happy!”

-Marla M. (Image by Shandi-Lee)

Happiness: if you haven’t found it yet, it’s probably because you haven’t taken The Unlost Happiness Quiz.

My personal guarantee:

“If it doesn’t work, I’ll give you 3 minutes of your life back, no questions asked.”

Click here to take The Unlost Happiness Quiz!

(Don’t worry, it’s not a trick– just something funny to make you LOL! ;-)

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[Image by Shandi-Lee]

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Hey guys, Therese here.

So look– I’m pretty sure that the results of your Unlost Happiness Quiz were sucky to the max (If you haven’t taken the quiz yet, you can take it right here– it only takes a second).

I mean, mine sucked, too– have a look: :-(

(Sample Quiz Result)

[Take the quiz]

So what gives? How come no matter how far and how hard we run after the things we think will make us happy, we never seem to actually get there (or at least, not for long)?

In short, how come happiness is so damn elusive?

I’m not sure, but it might be because most of us are quite hamster-like.

We may or may not have cute stumpy tails, and chances are good that we don’t stuff seeds in our cheeks, but there is one thing that we do enjoy:

Running on the hamster wheel.

Check out this short clip from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, which illustrates the predicament beautifully:

I love the “music” analogy in this video because it’s so true. Has anyone ever gone to a concert just to hear the final note?

That would be laughable.

And yet we tend to treat life this way. We tend to go through life like hamsters, running on our wheels and thinking that maybe, maybe, MAYBE, we’ll get there tomorrow.

Or the next day, or the next day!

If we just keep running, chasing, reaching, clawing, grabbing… maybe we’ll get there soon, maybe we’ll finally get to happiness or to whatever it is that we’re looking for.

But maybe we won’t.

Maybe we can’t ever get ANYWHERE, because the wheel never really stops spinning, and the endpoint wasn’t really what we were looking for, anyhow.

And maybe– maybe we don’t have to. 

Maybe we don’t have to get anywhere else, because maybe what we’re looking for is already here, and we’re already doing it and we already have it.

Maybe we’re running on the wheel simply to enjoy its shaky but constant rhythm and the strangely melodic squeakiness that emits as we scamper through the night.

Maybe we’re running on the wheel to experience the pure joy that zips through our little hamster legs as we run our little hamster hearts out.

Maybe we’re not running to get anywhere, because maybe we’re already here, and maybe THIS is already it.

♥

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[Go back to the Unlost Happiness Quiz]

[Image by captainmcdan]

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Dear Cubicle,

I never thought I’d say this, but

I’m leaving you.

Dude, it’s not you–

it’s me.

Thing is,

my ♥ was never in it.

I tried, but you were always asking so much–

“Eight-plus hours of your day,

Forty-plus hours of your week,

Two-thirds of your precious waking life,

Your mutha-freakin SOUL,”

you demanded,

in exchange for…

for…

what?

. .

. .

“Deal!” I cried

I thought

it’d be worth it

I thought you were

the best I could do.

. .

. .

Derr Mr. Cube,

Would you cry if I told you

you’ve never satisfied me?

That nothing you can give me

is worth

my

Soul?

Would you cry if I told you

I’ve been seeing someone else

on nights, on weekends

in my sleep and in my dreams

What if I told you

I’ve been giving everything,

everything I have

to this passion of mine?

Would you call me crazy if I said

I’m leaving you to

write

a

blog?

. . .

. . .

Damn straight.

. . .

. . .

This– this’ll be our last week together.

Gonna miss you, Cubey Pie

(NOT!)

—

Dear Certainty,

You b***!

For the longest time, I thought I had you.

I trusted you. I believed in you!

Turns out you were just f–ing with me all along.

Turns out…

you were never really certain at all.

Liar!

Is it possible to leave something

I never really had in the first place?

Watch me.

—

Dear Open Road,

I’m coming for ya.

I’m leaving

my

home

for ya.

I’m not sure what’s out there,

or who,

but hell,

I’mma

give it - a - whirl.

Come back?

Maybe one day.

Time

will

tell.

—

Dear Unknown,

I think I’m finally ready

to fall into your arms,

to trust in you

fully.

I think you’re

a whole lot

safer than I knew…

So bring on

the mystery, the uncertainty–

bring on

those gulps of delicious freedom.

Bring ‘em on, beetch!

—

Dear Life,

Finally,

finally,

finally…

you

are

mine.

Chaos-in-the-calm,

weak-in-the-strong,

crystal-muddy-clear

bitter smooth

rocky-road,

sweet Mystery-of-Life,

I think

I love you?

—

Dear World,

I’m not sure

exactly what I’m supposed to do here,

but it seems

my time’s arrived.

Ready or not,

Here

I

Come.

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DON’T tell me you missed Friday’s extra-special post!?:

>>Breaking News! New Condition Reported at Colleges Across the Country<<

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