Have you ever tried to comb your hair with a fork… err, I mean, a dinglehopper?
When I was like, 5, I used to do this all the time. You know, because Ariel did it, and Ariel was my freaking idol. I mean, that girl is hot. Like, her hair is always in this perfectly amazing, flowy red swoop— even when it’s totally wet and soaked with seawater. Also, she wears this awesome seashell bra around all the time (totally inappropriate for a 16 year-old, but whatever). Plus, she’s got a castle. And Prince Eric. And also, a flounder fish and some scuttling crab who follow her around like they’re her freaking servant-friends or something (but really, what are they?).
Amazeballs.
So… yeah, anyhow. Growing up, popular culture has provided me with some awesome sources of guidance— shining pearls of wisdom regarding Everything I Need to Know About Life.
Here are the most apparent of these super awesome lessons.
WHEN I WAS 5, I LEARNED FROM DISNEY:
WHAT’S NORMAL
NON-HUMAN SERVANTS: Everyone has one, right?! First, there are singing animal-friend-servants like Sebastian and Flounder and Abu the monkey. (Wait, does Abu sing?!) Then shit starts getting really weird— because, like, then there get to be these singing candlestick-servants and singing clock-servants and FREAKING SINGING TEAPOT-SERVANTS. And, like, BIRDS AND MICE WHO WILL SEW YOU A DRESS FOR THE BALL. Totally effing normal, right?!
BEING HOT: Every Disney princess is super hot. And every Disney princess has AMAZING FREAKING HAIR. In fact, there’s probably something wrong with you if your hair is not long and perfect and AWESOME. Also, there’s probably something wrong with you if you don’t sit in front of the mirror brushing your perfect hair for, like, three hours/day— all while birds are chirping and landing on your shoulders and while you’re singing a beautiful, beautiful song.
WHAT LIFE’S ALL ABOUT
Life’s just about one thing, really: PRINCES. Like, it’s serious business, this prince-finding thing, because until you find Prince Charming and marry him and become The Princess of All the Land, your life will be totally, unbearably, completely incomplete. In fact, it’ll be so incomplete that you’ll sit around singing mopey songs about it every day— while making pies with the help of your animal-servant-friends. Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong; I like princes and all, but this song sort of makes me want to barf. On top of my kitchen counter. Without stopping. EVER.
HOW TO DEAL WITH YER PROBLEMS
You are pretty… pretty much helpless. If you find yourself in trouble, sit still and DO NOT MOVE. Wait for prince to come save you.
Along similar lines: There’s no need to use your resourcefulness and initiative to solve your own problems— magical shit will usually happen exactly when you most need it. Problems will always get fixed. Life will always end happily ever after. No worries, princess!
WHEN I WAS 15, I LEARNED FROM COSMO:
WHAT’S NORMAL
Whoring yourself out for the validation and attention you desperately want need don’t know how to find anywhere else.
WHAT LIFE’S ALL ABOUT
Being hottt. Attracting a guy. Being wanted & needed used & abused.
HOW TO DEAL WITH YER PROBLEMS
Bat yer eyelashes. Solicit compliments. Remind yourself that you are super sexy, dammit, and that’s what matters. (Or if you aren’t, then you’re SOL, bitch.)
If your heart gets broken, find another guy to fix it.
WHEN I WAS 20, I LEARNED FROM MTV:
WHAT’S NORMAL
Umm… this is what’s normal, right?!
WHAT LIFE’S ALL ABOUT
Money. Hos. Bitches. Cribs.
HOW TO DEAL WITH YER PROBLEMS
Party like a rock starrrr…
Also, life would probably be better if you just got some plastic surgery. I mean, getting hotter… getting richer… getting famous-er… getting drunker… getting a bigger freaking ego… these will solve most, if not all, of life’s problems.
WHEN I WAS… OH, ABOUT 26,
I took a step back and realized how much stupid freaking shit I’d learned over the years.
My definition of happiness was tied up in finding a prince.
My definition of worthiness was dependent upon the attention of Douchebaggery Homo Sapien.
My definition of success was being “popular” and trendy and carrying a designer bag and having people like me.
My definition of fun was blacking out and falling on the ground every weekend.
And every time I fell, I looked for something outside of myself to save me.
WHY, PEOPLE, WHY??!!
Why did I have to figure this stuff out on my own?
That princes are great, but that the least douchey ones come around once you’ve found your own sense of completeness?
That your life is already complete, your soul is already whole, and your beauty is already shining, right now?
That animals were NOT put on this earth to be your freaking servant-friends?
(JK, JK…)
That being hot and rich and perfect are only band-aids to keep yourself from feeling that hole that lies under the surface?
You know, that hole that’s filled with the absolute, undeniable, terrifying certainty that you are all alone.
And how come no one told you that— well, actually, you aren’t?
You aren’t all alone, and you aren’t the only one who’s pretending to have your shit together?
…Guys?
Why haven’t popular culture + non-sucky advice ever coexisted?
Why shouldn’t they?
Why can’t they?
It’s time for this to change.
And it starts. Right. Here.
THE UNLOST: Advice that doesn’t totally suck. (And that’s not totally boring and lame, either.)
Sign up below to get it in your mailbox.
# # #
[Image by Helga Weber]
Not how you think.
Get The Unlost’s free email mini-kit for surprising and little known secrets to finding your truest career path.
.
Pingback: lamiki » Blog Archive » Sunday Serial: Disney Princesses, Courage & More Millennial Entrepreneurs
Pingback: ROFL! Totally Embarrassing Confessions That Will Crack You Up (& Make You feel Less Alone) | The Unlost
Pingback: Wednesday Wisdom: From One Gal to Another « Leeleegirl's Life