Last Saturday night I got dressed up and went out with Matthew Mcconaughey’s identical twin sat in bed till 3 am reading, writing and answering emails.
Boring, right?
The odd thing is, despite the [COMPLETELY TRUE] claim on my sidebar that “I am not really all that cool,” I often receive bizarre emails from people who want to know the details of my extremely boring life. Here’s one I got a few weeks ago:
Therese,
I stumbled upon your blog and it sucked me in for an hour. Congratulations for reducing my billable hours for the day…!
Anyhow I have a few questions for you which I would appreciate a response if you have a moment.
1. Are you from/living in Seattle? It was not immediately clear
2. Are you still an accountant?
3. Who is the woman in this picture? I think shes amazingly beautiful – you?
4. Are you still single – actually im just curious, (I am not btw)
5. Do you do any freelance writing?
If you respond to these I would like to ask more – but don’t want to be too needy lol.
HAHA, YOU GUYS ARE SO WEIRD!!
But then again, who am I to judge?! In order to appease all you internet stalkers and to satisfy curious minds, I’ve decided to save you the trouble of poring over my old posts and piecing together my entire life story. How? By creating a Life Resume detailing EVERYTHING ABOUT ME EVER, including all the guys I’ve dated, the names of my adorable dogchildren, and how I spend my time.
Internet-stalk your hearts out.
THERESE SCHWENKLER’S LIFE RESUME
Phone: 867-5309 // Fax: Who the hell faxes these days?! // Twitter: @tschwenkler // Facebook: Click hurrr
OBJECTIVE:
- To live out the truest version of myself.
SUMMARY OF DISQUALIFICATIONS:
- Innate & inexplicable inability to do things “the normal way.” [Also quite good at alliteration.]
- Natural inclination toward klutziness/minor accidents (e.g., dropping crumbs all over my tank top, accidentally lighting my hair on fire).
- Tendency to be consistently underestimated by others. (Thankfully, this almost always works to my advantage. SURPRISE, B*TCHES!!)
- Affinity for cute animals– see my adorable dogchildren, Angel and Barkley. Vegetarian since the age of twelve.
- Possession of genuine intent, resulting in the ability to non-network like a fiend.
EDUMACATION & WORK EXPERIENCE:
September 1989 – June 2002: Attendee of Regular Public Schools [Boise, Idaho]
- Sat in classrooms and followed all rules (NEVER got in trouble).
- Learned to sing all fifty states in alphabetical order!
- Desperately wished I could be cool and popular instead of shy, nerdy and awkward.
August 2002 – May 2006: Stoodent at Gonzaga University [Spokane, Washington]
- Singlehandedly increased the consumption of alcoholic beverages in dorms from an average of 23.7 (per person per week) to 41.2 (a nearly twofold increase!).
- Did lots of stupid stuff.
- Took a life-changing class from Dr. Kent Hoffman.
- Graduated Magna Cum Laude with a BA in Psychology, Minor in Business.
May 2006 – December 2007: Post College Job-Hopper [Boise, Idaho]
- Freaked the F out about what to “be when I grow up.” Worked a variety of jobs, including Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist, Insurance Salesperson, Cocktail Waitress, Nanny, and Retail Manager at Hollister, all the while wondering “WHY AM I HERE!!!????!!!“
January 2008 – April 2008: World Wanderer [All Around Australia]
- Dropped the exhausting notion that I had to have it all figured out and opted instead to take a Knowcation: a “vacation from needing to know.” Quit my job, applied for a year-long foreign work visa, and bought a one-way plane ticket to Australia. Arrived in the country without an inkling of a plan.
- Traveled around the country, worked temp jobs, met cute French guy, and lived life to the fullest before experiencing a bad bout of old person-itis and returning home for health reasons.
June 2008 – May 2009: Stoodent at Boise State University [Boise, Idaho]
- Not knowing what else to do, decided to go back to school for a more “reasonable” degree in Accountancy (because, hey, I like business, and I bet I can get a good job with this degree).
- Rarely attended class. Showed up for tests, filled in Scantron bubbles, and aced that shiz (who needs teachers when the tests come straight from the textbook material?).
- Graduated with BBA in Accountancy. (Now I have TWO degrees, b*tches!)
July 2008 – March 2011: Internal Auditor for Large Retail Corporation [Boise, Idaho]
- Wore professional clothing. Sat in a cubicle. Stared out the window and took lots of coffee breaks.
- Evaluated our company’s internal controls in accordance with the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, providing reasonable assurance that our internal controls were effectively designed and operating such that the risk of financial misstatement was sufficiently mitigated.
- In normal-person language, this means my job was to learn the jobs of the entire finance department, be nerdy, and scare the sh** out of people by asking lots of suspicious-like questions. It was actually sort of FUN!
- During these years in the cubicle, I began writing a little bloggy-blog on the side…
April 2011- Present: Builder of The Unlost
- Posts questionable content on a weekly basis.
- Aspires to help people feel less isolated/alone and to come to know their own inherent worthiness.
- Debunks crappy but conventionally held beliefs; replaces them with truth.
- Empowers, enables, and inspires people to discover their truest selves and to create mass & massive change– both in themselves and in the world.
April 2012 – Present: Homeless Wanderer
- Realized my life was good, but not great. Wanted (needed) to devote my entire self to building The Unlost and becoming my truest self (whatever that means). Subsequently quit my corporate job, rented out my house, and embarked on an indefinite roadtrip across the country. [Super-stalkers: read up on more deets of my job-quitting in Stewart Snyder's new e-guide, Quitting is for Winners. Stewart did an amazeballs job writing my story-- check out a preview here.]
- Freaked out for a few months like, WHO AM I AND WTF AM I DOING?!!
- In June, made the decision to create a revolutionary Unlost e-course aimed at helping people discover their truest career & life paths (more details coming soon). Currently working with an AMAZEBALLS team for a planned launch in September of this year.
- I’ve temporarily suspended my travels in order to fully focus on this project, and will be living & working at a lakeside cabin in Idaho [Thoreau-style] up until launch-time.
Present – Future: World Changer
- To change the world in yet unforeseeable ways.
DATING EXPERIENCE:
February 1984 – May 1999: Invisible Person
- Was ignored by all male species.
- Was freakishly shy, awkward, and prude.
May 1999 – December 2001: High School Sweetheart
- Somehow got my first boyfriend, and we dated throughout much of high school. Not much else to say about that.
January 2002 – June 2004: WWAGT?
- FINALLY discovered the secret to getting noticed: look hot at all costs, let out dumb laugh when guy says something even semi-witty, & pretend not to have a brain. HOT DUDES LUVVED IT!
- Began to live my life around the WWAGT (“What Would A Guy Think?”) school of thought, because, hey, it sure beat being ignored!
June 2004 – May 2007 (give or take a few breaks): College Sweetheart
- In college, dated an energetic, fun, curious & giving young man named Will.
- After college we dated long distance for awhile, then drifted apart and decided it was best to end things.
- After breakup, we remained close friends and spoke often.
- In February of 2011, William committed suicide. Learned to love others more deeply as a result.
May 2007 – December 2008: Single and Silly
- Engaged in shameless flirtation; dressed as sexy Pirate for Halloween.
- Dated a whole string of D-bags who blew me off, lied to me, etc. etc. Blamed them for being D-bags.
- Later realized that D-bags will be D-bags– while they hold ultimate responsibility for their own douchebaggery, I can only blame myself for PUTTING UP with it. *Ding ding, light bulb on!*
December 2008 – May 2011: Believer in The Guy
- Met a guy about whom I had serious reservations, but worked hard to overcome them because I believed in who he was and who he could be!
- Used every ounce of my strength to place serious trust in the goodness of The Guy.
- Did this ten too many times.
May 2011 – Present: Lover of Self
- Went through a difficult period of post breakup woe, but instead of running from heartbreak, embraced it & recovered stronger than ever. Realized that for much of my life, I’d over-relied on others to give me the love & happiness I craved at the expense of coming to know the love & happiness that already exist within me.
- Became content with myself and with my life, guy or no guy. Stopped clinging to others as if my life depended on it; turned down relationship opportunities that weren’t right even if it meant being alone.
- Recently celebrated my one year Single-versary. Happier than ever.
HONORS & AWARDS:
- Most likely to be a weirdo
- Most likely to use the word “Amazeballs”
- Least internet-y, least technical blogger EVER
REFERENCES:
- Eckhart Tolle: He doesn’t know who I am, but if he did, he’d totally recommend me.
- Emily Maynard [The Bachelorette]: Because she likes everyone, even that guy with the swoopy hair.
- Ramit Sethi: True story: my goal in life is to go out on a date with Ramit Sethi. (Don’t ask.) What does this have to do with my references? Nothing, really, but if y’all start bothering him, maybe he’ll ask me out to dinner.
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Got any weirdo questions for me that I didn’t answer above? Leave ‘em in the comments.
[Image by Helga Weber]
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