Get Lost… Get Found

on October 28, 2013 | in Life in General, Work | by

lost & found
haikuEditor’s note: This is a guest post by the wonderfully insightful Haiku Kwon of haikukwon.com. Enjoy :)

 

It was by far the longest I’d gone without writing — where had a month and a half gone?

Generally, I do my best to put myself out there and share even some of my most vulnerable moments on my blog, but for the last month and a half I’d felt as though I was being rolled in a giant wave and couldn’t figure out which was was up.

Honestly, it was entirely embarrassing. I left my job, my family and friends and Pennsylvania with the goal of finding my passion — that thing that makes me excited to wake up and go do it every day (or at least not make me wonder if maybe I sold my soul to pay my rent).

I spent an intensely life changing year in Estes Park, CO working at a residential high school with incredible teenagers who all had amazing resilience and strength; they taught me more about myself than I would’ve ever anticipated.

After a year of being constantly immersed in activity/work and surrounded by people, my fellowship ended and I returned back to Pennsylvania to be with my friends, family, and largely — the man I love.

Initially, it was relief to finally be with my boyfriend, and especially to have the constant stress and frequent sensation that I was failing in being (good) enough alleviated. But as the weeks rolled on, I became increasingly more frustrated not knowing what my next steps were career/work/job wise.

I realized that I hadn’t found my passion. Not even close.

“Who wants to read about my confused anxious floundering??” I’d ask when questioned about the lack of writing, but then one of my friends said, “Probably a lot of people. You’re not the only one who struggles through times like these.”

Oh. Right.

So, here it is. Even as I’m writing this, I hesitate and wonder if I should delete it all, but who knows — maybe someone out there doesn’t need a ‘how-to’ or some profound revelation/inspiration; maybe they just want to know they aren’t the only one wondering what the fuck to do next.

I realize that it may sound as though I regret returning; however, that couldn’t be further from the truth. On the flip side of my angsty wandering/wondering is a revolutionary love that is, baby step by baby step, teaching me to let go and have a little trust in life.

I’ve never been good at waiting. Patience is not one of my (strongest) virtues. From what I can remember, this is the first time in my life I’ve felt this clueless and still, but that said, I’ve also never been very good at resting and allowing myself time to process and heal.

I’m currently in a position where I have the luxury of taking my time to figure out what it is I want so I don’t end up in the same place I was in before I moved away (miserable and depressed), while stepping aside to finally attend to some old wounds.

At this point, I have no clear ideas of where I’m heading… but then again, maybe we don’t always need to be heading somewhere. Maybe sometimes we need to learn to be still once in awhile so we’re not always missing our lives while looking for the next big thing.

Maybe this moment IS the big thing.

And when I stop stressing out about my future for a hot second, I realize just how good my life is right. now.

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Like this post? Check out Haiku’s blog at haikukwon.com.

[Image credit: Tess Mayer]

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  • Chuck

    This post couldn’t have applied to me, word-for-word, any more if you had reached inside of me and photocopied what you found in my brain and in my heart. I have never been so frustrated with myself and my path in my entire life, and right now I simply don’t know where I’m going. I don’t even have a clue.

    Hot off the heels of losing two very close family members within the past three months, I feel as though my passion for living and for finding my purpose in life has stagnated. I’m planning a big move, although to D.C. rather than Pennsylvania, and half of me hopes it will jolt me back into the joy of life I’ve previously enjoyed, while the other half despairs that maybe nothing ever will.

    I’m not sure what will happen, but it DOES help knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way. They say misery loves company, and although I don’t rejoice in you or anyone feeling the way I do now, because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it is nice to know I’m not some sort of unmotivated freak who just can’t simply “pull it together” on command. Thanks for your words, and I hope that if just one person can express their gratitude that you didn’t hit delete, it will inspire you to keep writing. You, in turn, have inspired me to work harder to be grateful for what I do have, while simultaneously striving to get the things I don’t.

    • Haiku

      I don’t know much, but I can assure you, you are definitely NOT the only one… I’ve been struggling with myself for a long time now. When you said, “it is nice to know I’m not some sort of unmotivated freak who just can’t simply “pull it together” on command” it reminded me of the blog I wrote yesterday… I think we now live in a generation where we’re taught/told that we have to find our passion- which I love and agree with; however, if you don’t live in a blaze of fire, we end up feeling like failures.

      I think it’s important to LIVE as best as we can, keep learning, growing, having conversations and asking questions and most importantly, BE OPEN. Finding our passion and purpose is hard work and the reality is, it will take some of us much longer than others, but that doesn’t mean our lives are a waste until then. Every step, every moment, every breath matters and is significant if we allow ourselves to see it.

      And some days, we won’t see it, and that’s ok too. There’s no good reason to beat ourselves for the days, weeks, maybe even months when we’re wondering, “what the freakin’ hell????”

      Thank you for the encouragement… in spite of all I just said, I’m working through those things myself. But, as they say, “we teach best what we most need to learn.” :)

  • http://postgradolescence.com/ Diane Pauley

    Love this post Haiku! I was totally in this same spot about a year ago — and you’re totally doing the ‘right’ thing for you right now :) We definitely do need that space + time to heal our wounds & just get away from it all. People might want to ‘be there’ for us or ‘support’ us through this time — but most times, they have no idea what we’re going through! I agree with Therese in that we all deal with a little thing called a ‘Quarter-Life Crisis’ & now, more than ever, millennials are waking up to this thing called life & going out in search of their passion. You go right ahead & do it now — it’s the best possible thing you can do. I’ve done it & haven’t looked back with any regrets since. And remember: the people who truly belong in your life will be waiting for you with open arms when you find that ‘thing’ you’re looking for!

    • Haiku

      Hi Diane- it’s good to hear from someone “further down the road” so to speak. ;) I doubt myself more often than not, but slowly I’m realizing I don’t have to… From writing to needing time away to wanting to take a hiatus from the job hunt frenzy, others will always have their expectations, -I- have expectations, but I have a hunch this quiet space is exactly what I need for now.

  • http://NoMoreHoldingBack.com/ Larry

    Beautiful post, Haiku! And…that doesn’t necessarily change as you get older. A sense of place in your career and the workforce helps, especially if it means more money than you had before. But like you said, our lives are basically defined by an infinite set of moments. At any time, we can stop and appreciate any one of them. You’ll catch on for sure! Great stuff. :)

    • Haiku

      Thanks, Larry! Appreciation and gratitude sure changes how we see everything, huh? What looks like a hot mess one second can transform into a much needed blessing…

  • http://www.RocksNoSaltMommy.com/ Elizabeth

    Fabulous message. Yes, you should write yourself through this. Don’t silence your words. Don’t leave your pages blank. There are people out here who are having the same struggles. Writing will help them work through their thoughts and will probably help you find clarity along the way. I never have been good at patience, waiting, and that whole thing. I always need to see the finish line, the end goal, the next step. That thinking got me married at 22, 2 children and 2 degrees by 30 and no idea why I’ve ignored my passion for writing for the past decade. Take the time, figure it out, and enjoy the present because I promise you, this time will never return. Life only gets more tangled and complicated down the road.

    • Haiku

      Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom. It’s hard not to get caught up in all the details, but I’m working on remembering what you said, “this time will never return.” Life’s too short to always be trying to race ahead to the next thing.

  • Ero Lovespell

    Hi My name is ‘Bruno Rico’ just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him via eromosalelovespell@outlook.com Don’t give up just yet, the different between ‘Ordinary’ & ‘Extra-Ordinary’ is the ‘Extra’ so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

  • http://www.military.com/spouse/military-deployment/reintegration/returning-to-home-life-after-deployment.html unexpected miracle

    Thanks to Dr Brave for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family?

    Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Jeffrey Dowling,i live in TEXAS,USA.and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(bravespellcaster@gmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website http://bravespellcaster.yolasite.com,if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Brave for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.{bravespellcaster@gmail.com} , Thanks.

  • David

    Thanks for the message. I’m feeling lost and confused too not knowing what my passion is. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

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