Why Losing Your Boyfriend/Job/Mind is the Best Thing That’s Ever Happened to You

Posted by Therese on October 31, 2011 • 15 comments
Why Losing Your Boyfriend/Job/Mind is the Best Thing That’s Ever Happened to You

I know, I know– you want to punch me in the face right now.

“Losing my boyfriend/girlfriend/job/(fill-in-the-blank) is the absolute WORST thing that’s ever happened to me!” you want to shout.

You want to cry and lament and sob. You want to  tell me how much I suck for even daring to suggest such a thing.

And you know what? That’s OK. You’re right– losing stuff sucks balls. It’s not fun; in fact, it’s super, super crappy.

I know this, guys. I’m not dumb.

But I also know something else: I know that, if you let it, sometimes it can turn into the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Allow me to explain.

* * *

When you look at your life right now, what do you see?

Chances are that you see a big, huge void– an empty space; nothing where there once was something. Right now, all you can focus on is what’s missing.

After my last relationship, I knew this void. My nights and mornings were empty– there was no daily phone call, no kiss goodbye, no knowing smile. The space on my couch where he’d once sat beside me– this space was empty. My heart– it was empty, too. It had a hole in it, a void that he’d once filled. All I could see was the absence of what once had been there.

Other times, too, I’ve known this void. I knew it when my friend passed away this past February. I knew it when, as a high schooler, I could hardly walk across  a room.

For awhile, life was a hole.

But this hole– if you let it, it can turn into a whole.

If you don’t just shut the pain out– if you don’t just run away– if you’re strong enough to let it break you to your core, a funny thing happens:

You end up finding much more than you lost.

It doesn’t matter what it is that you’ve lost or let go of– it could be your possessions or your relationship or, God forbid, it could be your health. It could be your sense of security or your need to know or your need to prove yourself. But whatever it is that you’ve lost, you can find yourself here, in the emptiness that it’s left behind.

Because when things go missing, they leave more than just a hole: they leave space. They leave space for something bigger and something stronger and something deeper to emerge. They leave room for faith to cultivate and grow. If you allow yourself to stay in that space that’s left behind, you just might come to find a sense of wholeness, a sense of self, a sense of faith, that you hadn’t known before.

And in this moment of broken wholeness– in this moment of bittersweet gratitude and painful joy, you cannot help but wonder:

Is there anything better than this?

# # #

[Image by fazen]

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  • http://ensojourney.com/taking-risks-why-i-left-my-job-and-how-can-you-help-us/ Alejandro Reyes

    This post comes at a very interesting time. I’m leaving my job as you read this comment. At first I felt a bit sad, but then I realized that hole, that missing part is actually something great. It’s filled with the opportunity for me to fill it with whatever I want.

    So, in a few hours I pass from being the humble developer at a bank to be a freelancer for a few hours, to be The Art director from my own design studio. And of course as always writing awesome content to share.

    Thanks for these words. Your timing is perfect!

    • therese

      How exciting, Alejandro! Best of luck, and you’re right– you now have the opportunity to fill the “hole” with whatever you’d like.

  • http://Krys.tl Kristalina

    “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou = “Hole to Whole”, Great Post Tree <3

    • therese

      Thanks Krystal :-).

  • http://ryanmacdowell.com Ryan MacDowell

    Nice post, Therese — you nailed it with ‘broken wholeness’

    I don’t think loss itself ever gets easier, even when we’re the ones to break something off. But we definitely grow from it:

    When we lose something that wasn’t working out, there’s the opportunity to become more authentic and capable of dealing with loss. When we lose something we can’t control, there’s the opportunity to become more grateful and present — reminded that we can’t take things for granted. As you said: loss doesn’t just leave a hole, it “leaves space”

    • therese

      Absolutely, Ryan. You’re spot on. I don’t think I was that wise when I was still in college??!

  • http://www.vishnusvirtues.com Vishnu

    Good point but easier said than done Therese:) What I have learnt about loss is that nothing in life is ever permanent. The more loss, the more temporary things seem. So I guess experiencing loss for me is a good spiritual practice.

    • therese

      Yes Vishnu, experiencing loss is definitely a spiritual practice if you allow it to become one. Learning that things are temporary; learning to let go– this is the ultimate spiritual practice. Easier said than done? Of course. No one said it was easy– and in fact, no one ever even said that it’s something you can really “do,” anyhow. Sometimes the only thing you can really “do” is open yourself and ask for that grace that will make you whole…

  • http://thepathtopassion.com/women/ Mika

    As much as I would probably be reduced to a sobbing baby in a fetal position if I loss Clay, I agree that with hardships and heartache you allow a lot of room for growth.

    During the darkest days of my life, I was left in complete shambles but from there I gravitated towards what I wanted and that has really helped me overcome adversity. No matter what life throws at you, you can’t let it stop you from living the kind of life you deserve and want.

    sending you loving vibes,

    • therese

      Thanks for the vibes, Mika! :-) And yes, everything you said is right on point…

      • Harshad

        hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

  • http://afford-anything.com Paula @ Afford Anything

    Sometimes its when you feel a lot of pain that you get the sense of being fully alive.

    • therese

      That’s true, Paula… it reminds me of a quote from Brene Brown: “There is no such thing as selective numbing… when we numb the dark, we numb the light.” Emotions are a full spectrum, and I think that in order to experience intense joy & aliveness, you also have to be open to experiencing intense pain… it’s scary but opening, this learning to trust.

  • http://www.jessicaserran.com jessica serran

    I feel you, and this relationship of hole/whole. I’m in a post-nervous breakdown/dark-knight-of-the-soul year — and feel the incredible gifts of having gone to such a profoundly dark place. I guess that somewhere embedded in loss is the potential to find more of yourself…

    And my – how it makes for some great artwork: http://www.jessicaserran.com/sub_gallery.php?cid=1&scid=3

    thanks,
    jessica

    • therese

      Hi Jessica,

      The dark places can be incredibly dark… we can honor that and grieve… and you’re right, letting ourselves go to these places can bring incredible gifts. (This doesn’t mean we won’t still grieve, though… it’s very often bittersweet.)

      I checked out your artwork. I must say that what I love is that you’re making space for the “real” and honoring whatever it is that comes up within you. I think that is awesome, and I can really see that you put your soul into it. Loved this thought from your “about me:”

      “Because what matters to me most is feeling like we live in a world where there is a place for all of it. A place where all that feels crazy, or forbidden, or even just temporarily hidden can hang out and be asked, “hey, so what do YOU have to say?””

      Beautiful :)